Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
