I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
