this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i just had sex bonerless
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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