i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
