My friends, they love my intelligence
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
