Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
