well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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