Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
