Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
