When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You are the jesus of drinking
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
