I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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