i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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