3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
