Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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