Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
