I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
