i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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