Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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