If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
