I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize