you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
