i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
