Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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