I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Randomize
