He had one of those small greek statue penises
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
