She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
