I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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