Do you still have your period?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm really busy with my period
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