Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I have post one night stand depression
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
