When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
MIDGETS
????
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
