I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize