I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
