I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
