I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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