I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize