the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
