Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Randomize
