I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
