I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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