I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
