Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
