so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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