I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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