Umm I'm too high to move.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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