So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
