The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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