Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
