You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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