Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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