Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
