You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
