He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
