I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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