Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
