She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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