i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
