if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
