Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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