After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
where does the pee come out of this thing
Swine flu is the new snow day.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
