bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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