i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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