we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
