So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
