btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize