I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
