My liver just broke up with me...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize