I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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