i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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