My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Bring me that man meat
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
